Category Archives: raising daughters

“This is The Life We Chose,” or Your Birthday isn’t About You

Happy Birthday!There is screaming coming from the basement. Both my wife and the 8 year-old are irate with the process of undoing her cornrows. I can’t help, because the 5-year old and I are washing her hair. This has a 50/50 chance of ending in tears and we still have nail clipping to conduct, not to mention actually styling her hair, which she wants me to understand that I will have no part in doing. This is fine by me, but given my wife and oldest are 45 minutes into what will be a 2+ hour ordeal, I’m thinking I might have to jump in, which will ensure that there will be crying. This is far from the relaxing day I had in mind.

We, using the royal “we” here but I mean me, still need to get dinner prepared, since my wife and I are going out for the evening, and although it’s only 11 am, I can see that we are rapidly running out of time. The sitter, that is my mother, has to be picked up. We have to eat a preemptive celebratory meal a sing and “Happy Birthday” with her, my sister and her kids, whom will probably be running late, because it’s my birthday.

An hour prior, I was eating home-made buttermilk biscuits, marveling at the craft birthday cards from the girls, and modeling my new watch. We hadn’t made any firm plans for Sunday morning, but my wife and I discussed taking the girls out for a bicycle ride, maybe going to the Smithsonian Folklife Festival or just walking to a park for a bit. Our evening plans won’t start until 6 pm and, while I need to swing by and see my dad, it could be incorporated into the sitter/mom pickup (they live less than 5 miles apart). It was going to be a picturesque vision of a Dad’s birthday. Adoring family, loving parents, and an opportunity to be seen by people hither and yon, awash in that birthday glory.

Fast forward 2 hours, I’m in the kitchen frying chicken (because the girls like fried chicken and rarely get it) and roasting veggies. The 8 year-old walks past me crying, with ¾ of her hair free, but a painful looking ¼ still bound tightly to her skull. Her mother curses under her breath. The 5 year-old, reading the tea leaves, decides to do her own hair and makes a half-way decent bun. Initially, I offer assistant. But I still have to shower, visit my dad, pick up Grandma, rush through the birthday crap and get back in time for a 6 pm show. “The bun looks good,” I say and I keep moving. At this point, my alternate vision of maybe an hour to myself with a cigar on the porch while the ladies run an errand is shot to hell, too.

This is the life I chose, that my wife and I chose when we decided to have children. Their hair and grooming don’t care about our birthdays, nor  being “Easy like Sunday morning.”

After another tearful visit from the 8 year-old with accusations of sadism, the rest of the hair goes quickly—washing, conditioning, and braiding are done by 2 pm. It’s apparent that my wife won’t be joining us for the family expedition. In a moment of clarity, I texted my dad and my sister to move back our anticipated arrival time. The passable job the 5 year-old did with her hair has been lost to multiple bun/ponytail attempts and now it’s all about the Doc McStuffin headband containing the lion’s mane. It’s Sunday afternoon now, and we still have to hit the road. And no sooner than we get into the car, both girls fall asleep.

Breathe Easy, Dads, That Sunscreen You Didn’t Use Sucks Anyway

sun-protection-filter-spf-word-cloud-illustration-related-to-skin-care-sunbathing-53388965I was camping at the beach this past weekend with my daughters and another dad-daughter combo for what has become an annual tradition. Did we put sunscreen on our girls? Nope, not until the latter part of day 2, after multiple hours in the sun and on the beach. Were there 3 types of sunscreens with us? You betcha!

If you’re like me, you might say something like “Who needs sunscreen any? I never used it as a kid.” This sort of logic drives my wife crazy, who would have the girls in lead shields with visors if she could. It also masks the fact that I had forgotten to apply it, not that I chose not to protect my daughters. And that my parents were a bit lax about such things–it was the 70s, they didn’t know. Please raise your hands if this sounds familiar.

Good news! It probably doesn’t matter because the Environmental Working Group just safe-chemical-free-sunscreen-kids-e1371854837383shared its list of best and worst sunscreens, with 80% of sunscreens rated as not effective at their prescribed task, protecting your skin from the sun. Chances are, you are slathering your pride and joy with one of the products in their Hall of Shame.  If you can spray it (causes damage to young lungs), if the SPF rating is over 50 (doesn’t account for the dangerous UVA rays that cause cancer), if it has oxybenzone (causes allergic skin reactions and acts like estrogen in the body), or if it has retinyl palmitate (may speed development of skin tumors and lesions on sun-exposed skin), make like Steph Curry and shoot it into the basket. The wastebasket.

Then trying telling your wife, “See, I told you.”

A Resilient Child, Or Follow the Michelle Wie Method

Michelle Wie on the cover of Golf Digest 10/14Resilience. I was in a parent-teacher conference with my wife for our 4-year old daughter. The teacher and her two aides (how lucky is that?) talked about our daughter’s resilience, her ability to go with the flow, to bounce back in unfamiliar situations, to be adaptable. The two of us did a mental double-take, thinking about the number of meltdowns that occurred over Goldfish instead of Cheez-Its, or over watching Sponge Bob (her sister’s choice) instead of Lion King. “WTF is she talking about?” was our mindset, but that’s not the sort of thing to say during an affirmation moment with the person who will spend more time with the fruit of your loins than you do on most days.

In fairness to the 4-year old princess lover, she does exhibit a greater ability to say f— it and move on to things than her 7-year old sister. The youngest has already seen two stints in the emergency room for stitches, and never breaks stride. The oldest likes consistency, operates with as much care as a 7-year old tomboy can have. While the 4-year old made the transition from day care to school with a minimum of fuss, her sister figuratively gave everyone the bird for the first 6 weeks in school when she transferred. No conversation, no engagement, to the point I got daily calls from the teacher’s aide to get her to stop crying about going back to day care. Then again, I did call a neighborhood kid out of class to take me home in 1st grade when my mom was 5 minutes late. What I’m saying is that maybe resilience isn’t exactly a family trait at that age.

Which leads me to Michele Wie. If you follow sports, you may recall a precocious 13-year old girl from Hawaii driving a golf ball over 300 yards. Wie played in PGA and LPGA tournaments before she turned pro at 16, wowing people with her talent. But at some point, she needed to win. Wins come hard in golf and questions about her resolve arose. Wie missed several cuts, took 4 months off due to injury, and pulled out of tournaments she was in and playing poorly, with the inference that she didn’t want to look bad missing more cuts. Is it fair criticism of a 18-year old that she’s is more style and substance, maybe pulling back when things got hard? How was your resolve at 18? Wie didn’t quit, she kept playing, while attending Stanford, slowing putting together a game that matched her talent. This summer, she won two tournaments, including her first major, the U.S. Women’s Open. Now, she’s the cover model for the Grit Factor issue of Golf Digest.

Wie mentions the unwavering support of her parents as a source for resilience. The 4-year old may never win a major, (or celebrate by twerking–please no) but having resilience, resolve, grit are traits I want them both to have. It doesn’t have to be through sports, I just want them to learn that to grow you have to keep trying. Maybe I can get Wie to give her a pep talk and back on her training wheels bike.